Carly's Story

Dear Deelaney,

Help! My name is Carly and I am madly in love with a man (his name is Ben) who said last night that he did not want to have kids and I definitely do. I’m a preschool teacher and I love children and have always envisioned myself with at least 2 babies. I’m almost 30 and Ben is 35 and he has never had children either. I don’t want to let him go over something like this as he is EVERYTHING else that I’ve always wanted- he is kind, honest and an amazing bf. And I actually thought we’d end up married someday too. He said he does not want to lose me either over this. Will he change his mind? Please help me!

Carly (in South Carolina)


Hi Carly,
 
The quick answer is- can you risk waiting around for him to change his mind if he may never decide he wants to have children? Is he worth not having kids with and building a life together apart from kids? What you decide should ultimately depend on his reasons behind not wanting to have kids and your reasons for wanting to stay with a man who does not want them and whether you can be truly ok without your own children.
 
If he fears that he will not be financially secure, is scared of raising a child in a broken world or is feeling like he is just not ready to even think of children right now because he is loving being able to travel and have fun without kids, there is a chance down the road he may change his mind. Ask him what his reasons are and see if any of his reasons are
 mentioned above.
 
However, you did mention one of his qualities was honesty and perhaps he DID tell you what he wants out of complete honesty and he has made a final decision (or he has made even the decision that he does not want kids with you- as awfully hard that might be to hear). If his decision has been made and he seems to restate that he will not change his mind (but hopes you will), then I would encourage you to let him go if having children are an important part of your life goals. Don’t compromise for love or even a great guy as you will resent him down the road for not changing on his stance. And, don’t force him to change his mind or say he did just to salvage the relationship. If he really believes he is better off without kids, he is better off with a woman who feels exactly the same way. It’s ok to not want children as much as it is ok to want them. You have to respect his desires. Move forward in your journey to find someone who wants similar goals,
     Best of luck!
  Deelaney
One Cents Worth